High Maintenance

In the 4 months since I've written a blog entry, Oops has become considerably whiny, cranky and difficult. She needs her three Bs at all times--her binky, blankie and Baba--or as she calls them: 'fi, monkey and Baba (her stuffed bear). She needs her sippy cup filled with milk (she calls it "unk"). She needs to listen to song #6 ("Father Goose" or as she calls it "the ABC song") on Dan Zanes' CD Rocket Ship Beach over and over and over whenever we are in the car. And even if all the stars are aligned and she has all her comfort objects, at any given moment she will start to emit a high-pitched whine that can drive you insane.

The other day we were all in the car, setting out for who knows where, and about a 1/4 mile from the house she starts shreiking, "abc song, abc song, abc song." Here's the conversation that followed:

Oops: abc song, abc song, ABC SONG, ABC SONG!!!!!

Daddy-O: Oops, you're becoming incredibly high maintenance.

Oops: ABC SONG, ABC SONG, AAAYY BEEEEE CEEE SONG!!!!!!!!

Daddy-O: Oops, no man is going to put up with this behavior!!! If I were dating you, I'd drop you like a hot potato!

Oops: ABC SONG, ABC SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daddy-O: All right, all right. Here's the ABC song!


Sucker!

I'm a Disaster Waiting to Happen

Yup, that's what Daddy-O calls me. That, or "walking disaster" or "disaster-blaster." It would be funny if it weren't so true.

I'm too physically and mentally drained to explain why, so due to the highly enthusiastic response I received from my last blog entry, I will once again cut and paste an email I sent to a friend on Tuesday. I think it sums up nicely just how my week has been going.

We were at the doctor this morning for Flipper’s 3 year-old and Oops’s 18 month check up. Here’s a piece of advice: DO NOT SCHEDULE THE GIRLS APPOINTMENTS TOGETHER even if it seems like a good idea so as to save an extra trip to the doctor. IT WAS SO DIFFICULT! First of all, we were all were up from 12 to 3 this morning because Oops was inconsolable. Finally Flipper and I went to sleep in the guest bedroom on this cot-thing and Daddy-O and Oops slept in our bed. Daddy-O had to get up early to go to Baltimore and I had the 8:45 doctors appointment. And then I had a CAR ACCIDENT on the way to the doctor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another piece of advice….do not lean back while driving in an attempt to retrieve a fallen sippy cup from the floor in the back seat!!!!!! I do this all the time. I have to learn to let them scream while I am driving. I sideswiped another car and put a big dent in the front of my car!!! I don’t know what happened to the other car because the car kept going. We are all ok, but I am shaken up and very angry with myself. And the kicker is Oops has another ear infection. We are trying a new antibiotic and if that doesn’t work we have to see an ear, nose and throat doctor and she may need tubes in her ears!!! Oh and wait…the doctor told me to just forget pushing Flipper on potty-training…that clearly she is refusing to use the potty to irk me, and if she’s not potty-trained by 4 we can send her to a psychologist!!! What the f***? I’m staying home and can’t potty-train my kid so she my need psychological intervention!!!!

Need I say more?

Losing It

Here, word-for-word, is an email I sent to a friend tonight:

Flipper is much better…I sent her to school b/c it had been over 24 hours since she last vomited which I figure is good enough. This afternoon was brutal…Oops only took a very short nap, Flipper didn’t nap at all, so I threw them into the car and went to Target in Plymouth Meeting where Oops proceeded to scream the entire time we were there. She screams all the time now, not a crying scream, but a loud, shrill, piercing scream and it is driving me mad. I really think I need to get a babysitter on Friday afternoons b/c by the end of the week, I am tapped out and on a very short fuse. Now for as long as you’ve known me, I’ve been saying that I really need to get a babysitter, but here’s why I haven’t and probably won’t. Because Wednesday when I asked Daddy-O for $45 to pay the babysitter when I was f*&%$ parent-o-the-day, he went off, “$45 for a babysitter….why so much, blah, blah, blah…” So even though I am at the end of my rope and he tells me all the time to get a babysitter, I can’t deal with having to ask him for money and listening to him balk at giving it to me. And tonight when he called to say he was leaving the office and I asked him to pick up Chinese food for dinner and told him I wanted Szechuan Beef he asked, “What’s in that? Have we had it before?” and I knew where he was going with that line of questioning b/c in our almost 7 years together we have never ordered 2 entrees, only 1 entrée, 1 soup and 1 appetizer to share which means we have to AGREE on everything we order!!! So I told him, "I don’t know what’s in it, we’ve never had it, but I want it and I’ll pay for it, so get your own entrée!!!" This is why I need a job so I can pay for my own f*&%$# Chinese food. Now, I suppose I should be grateful b/c (1) he is picking up Chinese food on his way home from work so (2) I don’t have to cook dinner, but I am so tired of having to argue and nag my way into getting something as simple as the Chinese food I want.

A postscript to the above email: Daddy-O came home with the Szechuan Beef, an eggroll and wonton soup (following the 1 entree, one app, one soup rule) and that's it! He'd rather share something he doesn't like than order two entrees. UGH!!!!

Birthday Bah Humbug

Flipper is on the Toddler Birthday Party Circuit which is now in full swing. It seems that every weekend we are attending another party at The Little Gym or Tunnels of Fun. Flipper loves these parties. She loves sliding down the slides and jumping on the bouncy things almost as much as she loves the juice boxes and birthday cake. Even though we're in the midst of our 3rd year on the party circuit, I have yet to throw a big to-do for Flipper.

Last year I agonized over whether to outsource Flipper's 2nd birthday party to one of the big toddler party franchises, but in the end I decided to have a small party for family at home (which never even materialized due to a snowstorm the day of the planned event.) But she was only two, and truth be told, she was quite happy with Daddy-O and I singing happy birthday to her over a cupcake.

I knew I could not get away that easy this year. Flipper is well aware of her upcoming birthday and expects a party (and everything that goes along with it including juice boxes, helium balloons, a princess cake and of course, presents.) And when she asked if there would be slides at one of Oops' friends 1-year birthday party that we went to recently, I realized she's expecting bouncy things and slides at her party too.

I priced out one of these parties and they are not cheap. They start at $300 which usually includes the use of the facility and paper goods. When you add in pizza, cake and party favors, you're out $400 or more. (There is, however, one big draw to having a party at one of these places that you can't put a price on - they do all the planning and all the clean up.)

After some discussion, Daddy-O and I decided not to throw Flipper the big party this year. We are going to have her nearest and dearest little buddies and their families over Sunday for the requisite pizza and cake, and yes, there will be helium balloons and party favors but we're keeping it small and keeping it at home (and with global warming rearing its' ugly head, it looks like it will be 60 and sunny this weekend!) It's not so much about the money, because at the end of the day we could afford the $400 bucks. It's just that it's just not us to throw a big birthday bash for a 3 year old (and when the time comes, we won't be throwing a $50,000 bat mitzvah either.)

Some of my closest friends (and relatives) have thrown these parties for their kids and we've enjoyed them (although every weekend starts to get a little tiresome.) I'm not judging them (and I certainly wouldn't want to get Flipper blacklisted should they ever read this.) And hey, they probably think I'm crazy, because come Sunday afternoon, I'm the one who has to clean up the mess that I know my house will be after Flipper's friends get done with it, but I'm willing to make that sacrifice.

I hope Flipper won't be disappointed. I let her pick out princess plates and napkins and a princess cake and I think she'll feel like a queen when her friends show up on Sunday. We even have the 7-year-old daughter of a friend coming over to play guitar and sing songs. I hope she has fun.

I Quit

Dear Flipper and Oops,

Please accept my resignation from this job as your mother/cook/laundress/punching bag/manager of personal hygiene, effective today, January 3rd, 2006. While I have not as yet secured another position, I can assure you that any job I do take in the future will have a higher salary, fewer hours, greater vacation days and more pleasant co-workers.

In the past, when I have left jobs, I have always tried to leave on a high note and not burn bridges. But, my darling daughters, I have decided to make an exception this time. I think you could benefit from some honest feedback since you will probably need to begin interviewing for a new slave, I mean mother, soon.

Here are several suggestions that I recommend you implement going forward in order to insure that the next person you hire for the position as your mother will remain a happy, productive employee:

• Minimize the crying and whining. Nobody likes a whiner-it's that simple.
• Take your naps. That way your mother can eat lunch/go to the bathroom alone/make phone calls/check her email or even take a short nap herself. She will feel much better if she knows she can accomplish something other than changing diapers during the day.
• When you ask for something to eat, eat it. Don't ask for something else as soon as it's put in front of you.
• Play with your own toys. Why is is that none of your toys are as fun to play with as the off-limits stuff in your parents' drawers?
• When you're done playing, try making just a little effort to help your mother put your toys (and hers) away.
• Don't throw temper tantrums in public. The world is not as loving a place as we'd like it to be, and there are people out there just waiting to judge your mother's parenting skills. And even if your mother doesn't care what other people think, it's still plain aggravating.
• Go to bed when you are supposed to and stay in your bed all night. No explanation necessary.
• And finally, and this may be the most important point, when you are home alone with your father, don't act all sweet and follow the above rules, so that your father thinks your mother's complaints about you are unfounded, and, in fact, that your mother herself may just be the trigger that causes you to misbehave.

Sincerely yours,

Your mother

Crying It Out

We've got sleep issues. In fact, for the past several weeks, it's been 4 in the queen size bed most nights. This is not good at all.

I've always considered people who say they enjoy co-sleeping to be nuts. Yes, I know I'm being judgemental (I like to think of it as reverse-judgemental, since in today's wacky attachment-parenting, kids rule the roost world, it seems like it's not p.c. to put down co-sleeping and all the other activities that go along with it), but I still think it's wacko. Babies and kids do not belong in the marital bed. No one really gets a good night's rest with all the kicking and tossing and turning.

That said, both my girls slept in our bed (out of desperation) for approximately the first nine weeks of their lives. Flipper was Ferberized at about 1 year old (I was newly pregnant with Oops and was sick as a dog and the only way I was going to survive the pregnancy was to get her on a regular nap/sleep schedule.) Oops was actually a pretty good sleeper starting at about 3 months old so we didn't have to do the cry-it-out thing with her. Until now.

Oops has been getting up in the middle of the night pretty regularly since her 1st birthday. A little (sometimes a lot) of cuddling would help her go back to sleep. But she would wake Flipper and we would have to do the same with her, so we'd bring Flipper to our bed. Lately, cuddling has not been working with Oops and the only way to get her to go back to sleep is to bring her to bed as well. Hence, four in the bed.

Now, Oops, who until recently could be easily transfered while asleep from the car or stroller to the crib, won't even go down for a nap. And if she's going not going to get a good night's sleep, she definitely needs her nap.

I would Ferberize Oops too, since clearly I am not opposed to a little/a lot of crying, but here's the problem. If we let her cry, either at night or at naptime, it not only wakes Flipper, it upsets her. She screams, "Mommy, Oops is crying. Oops is crying, get her." That is much harder to take than the crying. (See I'm not a completely insensitive ice queen.)

Things are not going to get better by themselves once we move to new house. The girls' rooms are next to each other. We had talked to the builder about soundproofing the walls between their rooms but he thought we were crazy and he said the girls will outgrow their crying (he's a seventy-something grandfather, so we figured maybe he knew what he was talking about, but now I seriously doubt it.)

While everyone says we might as well wait to we get into the new house to address the issue, my patience has just about worn out. It's naptime now (and since we had yet another sleepless night last night and no naps yesterday or the day before or the day before that) I'm practicing a little tough love right now. They are both screaming in their rooms now and have been the whole time I've been writing this. I'm grinding my teeth, my hands are beginning to shake and I'm completely on edge, but I'm determined that they get some sleep this afternoon, even if that means crying. I'm tired too. I need a break. It's cold and snowy outside and we're probably stuck in our house for the rest of the day and I can't entertain them all afternoon, especially if they are miserable due to lack of sleep.

You can call me a witch, a bitch, an evil mother, an ice queen, whatever, but I'm not getting them out of their cribs just yet. They need to learn/relearn how to sleep. That's just the way it is.

So What's New?

Holy crap, it's been 6 months since I've written anything in this blog. I originally stopped because the computer was in Baby Oops' room (formerly Daddy-O's home office) and the only time I had to write was when she was sleeping, so it was virtually impossible to spend any time on the computer without disturbing her. We've since moved the computer (actually we moved it months ago) but for a while I lost interest in this whole blog-thing. It seemed like there were already a million mommy blogs out there and those blogs were all being read by thousands, and well, I only had 1 or 2 devoted readers and that's because I would send them emails linking to the blog along with a note that said something like "you must read this...or else!"

So what's new, you (the 1 or 2 of you reading this) ask? What's happened in the last 6 months (other than I'm just a little bit closer to qualifying for an extended stay in the loony bin? Note: for those of you who don't get my dry, dark sense of humor -- or as Daddy-O likes to call it, sarcasm -- I'm just kidding, so don't get all worked up and call the parent police and try to have my kids taken away), here is a summary:

• Baby Oops is no longer an infant. At 14 months she is officially a toddler (although not quite toddling yet.) While she may not be walking, she certainly is precocious in other ways. How else to explain her sudden transformation, right around the time of her first birthday, from a sweet and easygoing infant to a cranky and challenging toddler, other than to write it off as an early case of the terrible twos?
• Oops (since she's no longer an infant I think I'll drop the "Baby" from her name and call her simply Oops. Toddler Oops is quite cumbersome, not to mention that Flipper is still a toddler and so to be fair I'd really have to call her Toddler Flipper which sounds pretty weird) is off the bottle and quite a pro with the sippy cup. Which is great because now I can go out and not feel weird about not breastfeeding and therefore having to give her a bottle in public. But since I wouldn't know what to do if I wasn't obsessing that the world was judging my mothering skills, I've got something new to worry about, namely...
• Oops is addicted to the pacifier!!! (Not that there's anything wrong with that!) To be fair, Oops did always sleep with a pacifier, but up until last month she only used it in her crib. Never outside the crib, never during the day, except at naptime, and never, ever, outside in public. After consulting her doctor twice about her newfound crankiness (please, oh please, let it be teething or an ear infection or something tangible that would explain the change in behavior, I would find myself thinking) and being told she is in perfect physical health, and then consulting him about a disturbing new development I'll call baby bulimia (ugh, don't ask) his recommendation was to try a pacifier. So I did and, by god, she took to it. It seems like that thing is in her mouth 24/7. So now I've got this to worry about!
• Flipper is still throwing temper tantrums, but if you exclude the 4 she threw today, she is having them with much less frequency. She is a lot of fun too, has an incredible vocabulary and a bigger-than-life personality. But she can sure push my buttons. It seems like 80% of the day we are locking horns about something or other, which brings me to the next bit of news (or no-news)
• Flipper wants absolutely nothing to do with the potty!!!!! It's just 2 months shy of her 3rd birthday and all indications are that she won't be potty-trained for the big day. (Although people tell me that some kids do wake up one day and out of nowhere decide they are done with diapers, I'm not holding my breath.) I can count on one hand the number of times she's actually peed on the potty. She doesn't want to sit on it, doesn't want to wear underwear, doesn't care that one by one, her friends are becoming potty-trained. She loves her diapers, loves telling me when to change her diaper, when to put diaper-rash cream on her, and even wants to put it on herself!!!

That's the quick and dirty. Oh, and we're getting ready for the big move to the suburbs in about a month! But more about that later.